All ‘firsts’ change us

In a year full of firsts it is easy to forget that we are living a lifetime of firsts

Some amazing

Some not so amazing.

My late husband used to scoff at Valentines day. He did however take the opportunity to buy gorgeous roses and have them delivered to wherever I was. In his words he was a self confessed ‘crusty old skin flint’ yet he couldn’t resist the opportunity to see me smile knowing how much I loved them.

When we first met I had 3 very young kids and life was full of joy – yet man it was hard…….hard hard.

Of the many small things I used to do for myself was to always put flowers in the house.

I also had a candle fetish with a hall table with about 20 at least, the number of which I chose to light depending on how I felt. He said it looked a little voodoo’esque. Of course I found that highly amusing.

Nonetheless, I saw him looking at these beautiful roses one day and I thought I knew what he was thinking.

About 6 months later he said he had always wondered who was buying me flowers and ‘did he have some competition’ He said he was too scared to ask incase he couldn’t match up.

Had never occurred to me that he wasn’t self assured enough either.

You see I knew what he was looking at, yet I never realised how worried he was about it.

When he spilled his guts about it, I explained that I bought them for me. Nobody else – just me.

I have no doubt he did realise after a while, as it was a weekly or fortnightly ritual.

It was a small gift to myself that raised my spirits, and brightened up the house. Yet the voodoo’esque side of me also knew that if the blooms lasted nicely, the energy in the house and around us was balanced. If they wilted quickly, there was clearing to do.

I always smiled when I looked at them because it also reminded me of how far we had all come – of what they meant so deeply for us – for me – on so many levels.

It was a reclaiming of my inner strength, that had been under a weight for such a long time.

He brightened those days. I know he knew how much.

Valentines Day. Another first since he has passed. And it’s full of memories.

I have a few birthdays coming up and if theres one thing I have learned through this experience, its that wondering about how they will play out steals as many moments as his loss has.

My classic line about all this – as many of you will know already – is that ‘its a bit shit’.

And it’s still a bit shit.

Some days are shitter than others.

Yet there is so much to be happy and grateful about. So so much.

Not every one of our days together were rosey (pardon the pun), in fact some months weren’t exactly rosey.

Yet they were part of the rich tapestry of our lives and the lives of my kids who aren’t quite so little anymore.

Life is full of firsts and this is another.

It brings up so many raw emotions and it would be very easy to mount up the ones that don’t serve.

Yet I have to remember that of all days he chose to go it was Friday the 13th.

So in a world of loss, grief and hard stuff, I have to giggle that he chose a day that nobody could forget.

And the only time that was available for his funeral was the same time he passed, exactly a week later.

Talk about orchestrating his own funeral…

So focussing on the day, I am enjoying the peace and allowing the emotion to take me wherever is needed.

What I find amusing is that I feel like buying some flowers yet his voice in my head tells me they will be double the price today ….. haha !

Time is all we have. Spend yours wisely because it’s a gift that cant be replaced.

All firsts change us in some way. Thats what ALL of our experiences are designed to do.

All I can wish for you on this Happy Valentines Day is….

May your life be full of amazing firsts that change your lives for the better.

Life isnt a spectator sport.

GO LIVE IT

xx